when i grow up...

I was sitting on the couch yesterday morning, putting on my heals for work, and I said to Alexis, "These are such a pain to have to wear. Are you going to be a business woman like mommy?" Suddenly my mind started shooting in all different directions thinking about what she could/would be when she grows up.

It is obviously WAY too early to start to thinking like that, but we do start awfully young with that concept, don't we? Once children start dressing up, possibly like firemen, nurses, or police officers, they begin to be exposed to the idea of deciding on a career at a young ago. It's interesting, of course, that those are the few choices you have as a child...service folks that are gender biased. Of course fairy and cowboy costumes are available, but both of those suggest much larger lifestyle choices that we definitely can't touch on yet at that age, right?

When you start to progress though elementary school and junior high, the pressure begins. "You need to do well if you want to get a good job someday." And then college. A major needs to be selected at 18 that determines the knowledge you will learn to prepare yourself for what you think you want to be when you grow up. At the same time, you're also told, "You can be anything you want to be. Just follow your dreams."

I hear my dad telling my brother that line (he's in his second year of college), and I even find myself pushing that same thing on the poor sophomore. But then I tell my dad, and myself, that he can't hear us right now or understand it. We're all told this at that age, but none of us "get it". I don't think you can "get it" until you're out of school, beginning a career, and then realizing that you are or aren't in the right place.

I do want Alexis to dream. I want her to enjoy learning and learn about things in all different fields. I want her to be comfortable with herself so that she can be confident in the decisions she makes. I want Jamie and I to be confident in her ability to make decisions, and hope that we raise her in a way that makes her feel like she'll be accepted by us, no matter what. I know it'll be tough. I'll want to say the same things to her that I heard, even though I know it'll fall on selectively deaf ears. That's just how it goes. Maybe her nurse's uniform costume will stay with her until she jumps into the "big kid" world (I consider myself to still be a part of that), and as long as that makes her happy, it'll make us happy. Let's just hope the nurse's costume doesn't translate into something she wears on a stage that has a pole. But I did say I'd be accepting of her dreams...

rock out with your bottle out...

I was desperately trying to figure out what rhymes with "rock" other then the naughty "c" word that actually belongs in that title, but there is absolutely nothing baby related that rhymes. I was thinking "block", but she's not playing with them yet. Oh well...apparently creativity is lacking this morning.

Jamie and I have similar taste in music, though my preference leans toward hard/heavy rock, while Jamie's tends to be more of the ska/punk variety. We both dabble in each other's music and do throw the occasional 80's, classic rock, or even pop song in there.

Then came baby. Both of us agreed - there was no reason to change what we deemed as our musical pleasure. Music is critical in my morning and evening commute. I hang on to my $12.95/month XM (oh wait, XM Sirius...no, Sirius XM...gosh darn mergers and acquisitions) solely because I need to be entertained by a huge range of selections in my car. And since my commute now includes the little one, she gets to enjoy it as well.

I'd like to think that because I still listen to what I did while she was in my belly, she should enjoy whatever is on. But I wonder whether some of the things are inappropriate. Hatebreed's "I will be heard", for example, doesn't have any singing in it...the lead singer isn't really a singer as much as a deep voiced screamer. Slipknot's "Psychosocial" is probably is a bit heavy as well (as it should be if every member in the band wears freaky looking masks). But those are extremes. In most cases it's not quite that mind-numbing. Jamie has a song that's an ode to the "F" word...now that one is crossing the line, whether she can talk or not.

I've never believed that music and video games are what causes violence in children. Just because the "trench coat mafia" listened to Ozzy and Marilyn Manson does not mean that they were suddenly swayed to murder tons of people. Jamie and I listen(ed) to Manson as well - unless one of us has some serious skeletons in our closet, it didn't effect us. I think that it's all about the way you were raised and whether you have a good head on your shoulders (though in some cases, kids simply just have a screw loose, regardless of their upbringing).

So we will continue to play what we love (with the occasional filter here and there in extreme cases) and will not, at this point, succumb to playing nursery rhymes. If at some point, playing something like that will keep her content on a long drive somewhere, we'll probably break down. But until then, I hope she enjoys what she's hearing and all I can hope for is that, as a result, she'll have a great appreciation for all types of music.

There's a reason "Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing is from the "Prom Scene" from my soundtrack. Music can be the soundtrack of your life, and while we're still on the first track of her CD, there'll be tons of songs that will touch her heart and fit the moods and situations she'll be faced with as the grows. Happy listening.

xmas eve pix...

Some pix from Xmas eve at my parents' place. She was 17 weeks on Thursday... The third one is my absolute favorite. That's the kind of picture that's going to go in her "baby's first Xmas" ornament frame. When she's in her teens and above, I think she'll appreciate that photo, and that's the kind of faces that I want to remember! As you can tell, that finger is pretty darn yummy at the moment...it's rare that she's not munching on it.

this just in...

A quick update on the rash situation (see "pretty in pink" post).

After switching to the Soy formula, which seemed to be working, dear Alexis became clogged, if you will. When number two did come out, while easier to clean up in it's small form, by no means was it the mess that's normal for these little buggers. (You know you're a mom when you ask the caregiver or your husband, "How did her poop look? Did it look messy? What color?") Last Friday, I just about ran out of the Soy formula, so I figured an experiment was in order.

I thought run the test, not because I see a lab rat when I look at my daughter in a certain light, but because during last week, the caregiver was diligently monitoring the situation and taking copious notes, and we didn't seem to have much of a rash issue. It was sometimes light, sometimes nonexistent. If you really are allergic to something, it doesn't just change from day to day. Allergic to peanuts? A PB&J sandwich is going to kill you, regardless of what time of day or which day of the week you eat it on. I still had plenty of the Enfamil Gentle-Ease left (which was the one she was on originally). Over the weekend, we fed her only bottles of that formula to gauge what shade of pink she might turn. Wouldn't you know, she was fine! Even her poop returned to normal (which presented itself during our last trip to Friendly's, where she decided to squeeze away in her seat...lovely).

I have no idea what the heck was going on. Maybe like my co-worker said...it might have been physiological. She absolutely loves to eat and we switched nipple sizes. Maybe she was so excited to be getting more formula that she couldn't contain herself. Who knows? But it doesn't matter at this point, to be honest. It wasn't harming her before, and now she's fine. I do have the awful pictures to prove that I haven't been a crazy mommy, but it does seem silly now.

I guess I can cancel my GI and Allergy Specialist appointments at CHOP (Children's Hospital of PA - or is it Philadelphia- renowned for it's quality care). And now I'm even more certain the my decision to change pediatricians was warranted. Sure, she may not be a physiologist, but instead of telling me that "I know what a rash looks like, try Alimentum", we could have tried to figure it out a bit more. If she's so quick to brush off a rash and "prescribe" a new formula, why wouldn't she be quick to identify an ailment and medicate immediately?

So, to quell everyone's worries about the wellness of Alexis (I know you were all sleepless waiting for an update), she's fine. She's precious as ever, and if she does get the occasional splotches, I just chalk it up to being in love with me...and with formula of course. Piglet.

the big chill...

I completely forgot to tell everyone about our Xmas tree adventure!

Every year, my family would go out on a mission to find a live Xmas tree to chop down. Once Jamie and I became "serious" (which was what, 9 years ago?), we allowed him to partake in the ritual. We had one specific place we ventured to each year, however, to our surprise (and dismay), one year it was suddenly closed. Had the tree business become too expensive? Should they have stopped handing out free hot chocolate to keep costs down? What about Santa? Were his wages too much for the tree farm to handle?

In any case, we had a few years of driving around randomly in search of a comparable location. We'd follow the hand painted signs promising available foliage, but most of the time they were cruddy little lots or fields of mediocre pines. Suddenly, a couple years ago, we came across a great farm that had potential. For some reason we did not go there the last two years (was it because we'd found it via random turns, hence not being able to find it again?). This year, we were on a mission to find it again. A google search got us there.

Upon arrival, you can either choose a pre-cut tree (where's the fun in that?), or hop aboard a cart that is pulled by two large horses. While I don't think they're Clydesdales, they're pretty friggin' huge. Out we go to the field. This is where the tradition really gets fun. We all split up and start scouring the field for the perfect tree. Inevitably, we find one early, but what if there is a better one out there? Someone needs to stay put and guard that tree while the rest of us trek the lot looking for more. For some reason, we seem to always go back to the first one. Gut instinct I guess. This year, we apparently ventured into the high end trees, as this 7 footer ended up costing about $80...thanks mom! (I guess they need to get their horse maintenance expenses somewhere.)

I wanted to go to the horsey place because I know that Alexis will enjoy it as much as I do. That being said, it's just like everything else this Xmas - she's a bit too young to appreciate it. Before heading out, I purchased an inexpensive baby carrier thing so I could strap her to my chest to lug her around the field. She was wearing tights, fleece pants, long sleeves, fleece hooded jacket, and a hat (she never wears them b/c she hates them, but no choice in that weather). She was in the carrier, and I then covered her whole body with a heavy fleece blanket. Alas, it was the kind of weather where the wind chaps your face and it's hard to talk b/c your lips are frozen. She was ok at first, but in time I ended up covering her entirely with the blanket, face and all.

I meant well, but we probably should have waited a year before taking her along (were the near purple feet an indicator of that when we got home?). Next year, she'll be covered top to bottom, including mittens, scarf, hat, boots, etc. But I am very happy that we kept the tradition going and had our fun picking out the tree (freezing weather and all). You can't plan traditions, but those that do arise are what makes time with the family that much more enjoyable, even if it does cost $80 in foliage fees.

tissue please...

Alexis has become absolutely adorable, and not just in terms of her appearance (though she's painfully cute in that arena as well). She has become so interactive, so aware of her surroundings, and so easily amused (and also easily bored, but that's not what this post is about, so moving along), that I love spending time with her. I believe that I might be able to attribute some of this to her time spent in daycare, where she has gazillions of toys to play with and multiple adults and children to flirt with (oh yes, she no longer saves her smiles just for us...traitor).

In any case, last night I was sitting on the couch and had her on her back, laying on my legs, looking up at me. I was holding a toy above her head, and while the toy is incredible light, eventually my arm was ready to fall off and I had to pull it from her grasp and put it down. Perhaps it's time to hit the gym again to build the endurance to hold that thingy up? Anyway, I started talking to her about random things, and I realized that she was reaching for my face. I'm glad I recently cut her nails, or else I'd be coming in to work with some lovely little scratches on my cheeks. And then she did the cutest thing. She took each hand and placed them flat on my cheeks, as if cupping my enormous head in her tiny hands. And she just looked at me.

Jamie was sitting next to me, laughed, and asked if I needed a tissue. I'm a person that cries easily (which of course is lovely for Jamie when we argue), but I held it back. Had she done it again instead of looking to the side and eyeballing the toy I was holding before, I might have become a sap in this situation, but regardless, it was sweet enough that I got all cheesy about it. Why am I mom, now accepting times when she's a miserable mess? Because of moments like that. Keep the Kleenex handy, I know there's more to come.

doctor who...

Near the end of my pregnancy, I began perusing for a pediatrician. Online you can find all sorts of interview questions to ask the doctor during a "get to know the pediatrician" appointment (I had no idea there was such a thing). I decided to stay in the same group of health care professionals as my OB/GYN and my neurologist. I met the doc, and she seemed fine. How can you tell? They all seem nice when you meet them. It's not like she's going to say, "I really don't enjoy being a doctor and I probably won't be able to diagnose lots of childhood diseases, but we'd love to have you as one of our patients."

During our well visits (the routine ones where all the shots and physicals happen), the pediatricians were nice (I tested all three in the practice to help me figure out the best one). Give a shot, check the eyes, mouth, etc, ask if I have questions, and out they go. Redress the baby, gather up her things, pay the co-pay, and you're done.

Once this rash thing came up (see an earlier post), I of course took her to the doc to figure this whole thing out. I knew, heading to that appointment, that I wasn't going to leave there with the answer. That's just not how it works. I went to the appointment with pictures of the rash at its worst and a bottle in hand to feed her in front of them so that they could see this instantaneous magically appearing and disappearing rash. It made sense to me. I told the nurse that was checking her in that I wanted to feed her in the room so that they could see. "Oh, you don't need to feed her" I was told twice. Hmmm...ok.

The doctor then came in and I told her about the rash. I realized I'd forgotten the pictures outside, and groaned out loud that I didn't have them. Loved what came out of her mouth..."We don't need that, I know what a rash looks like." I was given a number to a GI doc. I asked whether I should try Soy formula. "If you'd like to try that, here's a sample size." Why did I need to suggest that?? Shouldn't she have thought to offer up options until we really figured this thing out? Interestingly enough, she seems better on the Soy (though a bit "clogged", but I'd rather have a constipated baby then a red one, though she may disagree).

I've decided to try out a different practice. Pediatricians should know that they're dealing with first time moms with little infants. Knowing that, they should comfort me while talking reason into me where necessary. Don't coddle me, but don't dismiss me.

I've never liked the medical community, and I don't think that will ever change. I've been told, and have now learned, to follow my gut. My little one can't tell me what's wrong, so I have to use that instinct I apparently developed when the baby popped out and help her "speak" to figure things out. That's what I'm here for (hopefully among other things). They don't call it practicing medicine for nothing.

easy does it...

During a pregnancy, you're blessed with a baby shower or two (I had one at work and at home). I say blessed because you get a ton of things you need, plus lots of gift certificates, which are so needed when a little critter comes that eats and poops you out of house and home. (That sounds funny...I mean money for diapers and formula, of course...not actual poop overflowing in our home that forces us to live outside.) You also get bigger gifts from family members. These are the expensive ones that help you get on your feet and make you realize that not only are grandparents great for the love and attention they provide, but also for the cash they're willing to spend on her! (Just kidding grandmoms...sort of.)

One of the most pricey items, to my surprise, was the stroller system. This $300 jobbie allows you to pull a baby carrier in and out of the stroller with one click, and you can also click it in and out of a car seat base that's strapped to your seat. Another benefit? You can buy two bases and just use one seat. Another supposed benefit? If baby is sleeping, you can just pull the carrier out of the car and either tote her around or drop her in the stroller without disturbing her. Yeah...right.

The other day she was sleeping soundly in the car (as most babies do, thank god), and had been grumpy that day, so I didn't want her to wake up when we arrived at our destination. I said to Jamie, "pull her out of the car gently so she doesn't wake up." By the time we had her out of the car, both of us were laughing at just how un-gently we pulled her from the vehicle. In Jamie's Audi, you have to climb into the back on a knee, then grasp the front and back of the carrier, find the magical orange lever, jostle it to get it loose, then swing her out of the car holding on to the large handle at the top. This is NOT a smooth ride. Even in my Element, where she's more accessible, lifting her out almost begs for her to raise her arms up in the air and coo in glee as she rides the car seat roller coaster.

The Chicco folks had the best intentions with this bright red contraption. All baby brands have similar stroller systems. As expecting moms, we decide we have to have them...we're supposed to right? Never mind the fact that once she's too big for the carrier (approx 30lbs), we then have to invest in two convertible, bigger carseats (which run about $200 a pop). But I'm being rude to the systems - there really is a benefit to them, and dropping $300 on it (or having Omi drop $300 on it) is worth it. I just wish that on the box they showed that little baby with their arms in the air, and below that a picture of a parent squashed into a vehicle trying to grasp the handle, and finally a picture of a baby crying in the seat next to the car because she woke up. I'd like a warning label and a line on the box that says "you must be this tall to ride".

pretty in pink...

We've suddenly run into a new feeding time development. We'd been noticing that her face would get red when she ate, but I honestly thought that she was sucking so hard that she was turning red and that moving up a nipple size would fix it. I kept the nipple size the same though, because when I did go up it seemed like she was backing off because it was coming out too fast. (You just can't make these buggers happy sometimes.)

In any case, I got a call from the family center on Monday. She asked if I could come down and check out Alexis because she had some sort of rash. Turns out that the redness on her face was extending down her body, but since I never feed my child naked (because what reason would I have to do that), I never saw that it was on her tummy and back. (The caregiver noticed because she saw it on her neck and thought to look down her back.) It starts pretty much instantly when she eats (we fed the poor girl in only a diaper in the center and watched her as she ate). It's not raised, it's not pimply, they're not uniform in size. It's just bright pink splotches. If I rub on the splotch hard, it doesn't bother her, so it's not an irritating rash. I have no idea how an infant would scratch, but if she could she doesn't seem itchy. 15-20 minutes later, it's gone. No fussiness, no funny poo, no spitting up or throwing up. Just hot pink blotches for a bit.

I talked to my pediatricians office two days in a row now. First time, since there's no fever or any sort of anything different except for the skin color, they told me to keep an eye on it. Then the next day, when it kept happening (and her body temperature seems to fluctuate with the redness too, going up a notch), I called again. This time? Try Alementum, which is this FRIGGIN expensive formula. Bought that, tried that, and she still got pink today (though less-so). Seems like this will be a bit of testing until we hit the right variable.

This is a perfect example of the trial and error involved in raising a baby. They can't talk, so you simply have to guess based on things like cries, poops, spitting up/throwing up, temperature, fussiness, etc. Trade one thing out at a time and see what happens. It's like that whether it's sleeping habits, calming them down, and apparently figuring out what to feed them. I'm not in a total panic about this since there is nothing else that's happening to her, but it's not normal, so we do need to figure it out.

Someone (a psychologist at my work) suggested that maybe she's just SO excited to eat that she's turning splotchy. Not likely, but an interesting thought. My problem with that concept? She's beautiful, but no one is going to want to date a girl that's a heifer obsessed with food and sitting in the cafeteria turning pink. Sounds like we'll need to line up a psychologist and a personal trainer for her now a while. Wonder if there's a savings plan for that?

(I'll keep you all posted about the food thing. We'll see how it goes!)

strike a pose...

Our Xmas pictures are done! Instead of a pic to stick into a border with a message on the side, we decided to take some pictures and slip them into each Xmas card that we're sending out. Since we have quite a few people/pets to get into the picture, we decided (correction - I decided and Jamie got into the shot) to set up the tri-pod, have us all hop into bed in our PJs, get the baby and dogs oriented (all of this in the little window of time you have when you set up the auto-timer) and hope it all looks nice!

We took a ton of pictures so that we'd be able to pick out a nice one. There was one that stood out, simply because Alexis is actually looking up (thanks to our brilliant idea of having the ceiling fan on), the dogs are looking forward (we asked them "who's here?!" which put them both at attention) and Jamie and I have great smiles. Unfortunately, I put my chin down a bit too much and I have a fat face. Now people are going to think, "aww...poor girl...she hasn't lost her baby weight", when in fact it's all gone! Oh well - I'll sacrifice my beauty and take one for the team. We also took a close up of the little girl that's absolutely beautiful.

So where are these magnificent photos? You'll have to wait. I don't want to ruin the surprise for those that will be receiving Xmas cards, and for those who aren't, you'll simply need to wait until after the holiday when I'll post them for public viewing. Stay on the edge of your seat - you won't be disappointed.

lots of new pix...

Lots of new pictures for your enjoyment...

Tummy time!

She's been "spinning" in the crib and I find her perpendicular or backwards in the morning. Not sure why or how, but whatever!

Spinning's ok though mom, thumbs up!

Hangin' out on the mini-boppy

is anybody home?...

I was driving home from work, and was struck by something I saw. While I was keeping my eye on the road with hands at 2 and 10 (or is it supposed to be 3 and 9...I need to go back to driver's ed apparently), I glanced to the side as I passed by one of the nice developments in our area. They're good sized houses. I wouldn't call them McMansions, but it's definitely better then our 1950's little brick cape.

As I'm driving by, I realize that most of the houses are dark. (It's easy to notice how dark things are when it's getting dark by what feels like noon.) Of course they had outdoor lights on...spotlights, lamp posts, sconces, etc. And since it's that time of year, there were plenty of Xmas lights switched on, no doubt, by auto-timers, Home Alone style. I come to the conclusion that even though it's about 5:00PM, no one is home...that's why it's dark. (I'm making the assumption that it wasn't a development full of people with keen night vision that don't need lights.)

Families are away all day long. Mom and dad at work, child at daycare/school. If there are cats or dogs, they're holding down the fort. Everyone gets home between 5 and 6, and nighttime routines start. Unpack daily "stuff" (lunch bags, coffee mugs, paperwork, school work, work from home work, etc). Get dinner ready (if someone in the house cooks, that is...otherwise someone's digging out a take-out menu). Hang out a bit, then time for kids to get ready for bed. Get stuff together for the next day (both for parent and child) and then crash on the couch or dive into bed. Sleep, get up, rush to work, and suddenly the week is over.

We work hard to have bigger homes. But by working hard we have less time to enjoy the large homes we work hard for. We also work hard to provide for our families. But while we're bringing home good dual incomes, we're passing up on quality time with each other. We want dogs for companions, but our companions spend the day at home alone waiting for their owners to come, but we don't have time to fetch or walk with them when we get home.

I'm not trying to be overly dramatic or whine about this. But now that I'm mom, it's really become apparent to me. The fabulous women at the daycare center? They're essentially raising my daughter. I help out 2/7th's of the time (Sat and Sun).

This is our world, these are our norms, and this is what our culture supports. As I mentioned in a previous post, it's all about priorities now for me. It's about maxing out the time that we have in the evenings and the weekends. It's about being ok in our 1950's cape and focusing on our family values versus our property value. We're not going to get this time with each other back. The big house will come in time (though in this economy I'm not so sure). Right now, I just want people to drive by between 4 and 5 and see my kitchen and living room lights. They might not be home yet, but me and baby are!

the devil scares me...

Old Navy is one of the best stores for baby clothes. Not only are they cute and un-frilly, but they're also inexpensive. This little number was on sale because technically, it's a Halloween onesie. I don't see why a child can't wear a onesie that says "Daddy's Little Devil" every day throughout the year.

The first picture is while she's still intrigued by the flash and enjoying picture time. The next one? Well that one is her deciding that the flash is no longer fun.

apples to oranges...

Goodness - this posting thing is getting harder as my evenings are getting shorter (or more packed with chores, that is).

Having Alexis in the childcare center has been amazing. While there are pros and cons to having a child in daycare, there are definitely benefits that I'm beginning to see. They are constantly interacting with her, providing stimulation through toys, books, talking, etc. When I was home with her, I felt that I didn't have much to offer. Here's your swing...here's your bouncy seat...let's check out the ceiling fan...sorry girl, that's all I have. Just their plethora of toys alone out trumps what I can offer her (plus it keeps our home much less cluttered). I am absolutely in love with Miss Zina and Miss Emily, and dread the day where I need to say goodbye to them for the last time and instead drop my little one off at her new destination - the Goddard School. Wow - I think I just got a bit choked up over that one...moving along...

In the infant room, there were 3 babies at one time. (She has suddenly become the only infant, which guarantees a lot of one-on-one interaction and spoiling, but it seems a bit lonely too.) Each day when I drop her off or pick her up, I'd observe the other two as well. After checking them out, I'd take a look at the white board that charts name, age, next diaper, next bottle, etc. (When dealing with multiple infants, diligent note taking seems to be the key.) I look at their age, then look at what they're doing, then look at my daughter.

Suddenly you start to get that creeping feeling that maybe your child isn't developing properly. He's got that expression on his face and he's a month older then her...she isn't looking at me like that yet...will she? His head seems strong, and he's only a few weeks ahead of her. Will she get that strong or is her neck cursed to be wobbly for life?

If I'm going to constantly play this game in my head, then it's a battle I should be prepared to lose. I've already determined that I need to stop reading the Internet. Babycenter offers a WEEKLY update on what your child should be doing. I understand monthly milestones, but weekly?! Of course it's going to vary and throw you off kilter. What's almost humorous is that at the bottom of each summary, they add the disclaimer that each child develops differently. If that's the case, then don't tell me that on week 3 of month 2 she should be making this or that noise or should be making this much or that much eye contact. Let me enjoy this time with her and allow me and her pediatrician to determine what's right or wrong.

In the baby world, it's impossible to compare apples to apples - babies come in a cornucopia of fruits and vegetables. I, for one, intend to love my grape on a weekly basis, and when, in time, she becomes a raisin, grape juice, and then wine, I'll appreciate the fact that I kept all of my concerns out of my head and loved every second of it.